You started out with friendly, so now you're approachable. Then you worked on being relevant, so now you're interesting to them. To strengthen the bond, you now need empathy.
Empathy is that too-often elusive feeling of understanding where someone is coming from. It's not too hard since we're all human, we need appreciation, security, etc. But it's hard because ... well, we're human. It's hard work to keep your mind clear on other people's needs when ours seem so pressing.
On the other hand, sometimes it's very nice to focus on their concerns and let yours go away for a while. If we can think of empathy as a gift to ourselves like that, maybe we'll get better at it. And that makes us much more likeable. How can someone not appreciate you when you really seem to "get" them?
Networking tips and the best way to network ... by Networking on Purpose! Professional business networking strategies from Beth Bridges, speaker, and author.
The Second Factor in Likability: Relevance
Tim Sanders defines relevance as the extent to which a person connects with another person’s interests, wants, or needs. This boils down to either having something in common or providing something they would like to have.
Hey! For those of you on the "nice people are boring" side of the great debate, maybe it's just that the person isn't relevant to you. They're plenty friendly, but you don't think you have anything in common, or they don't have anything to offer you. It's a little ego-centric to call these friendly-but-not-yet-relevant people "boring." In the networking circles that most of us inhabit, you have something in common with just about everyone you meet.
The World's Worst Survivor Contestant (refer back to the Great Debate) probably sizes people up pretty quickly to see if they are first, like her, and second, have anything to offer her and then discards them as "uninteresting" when they don't. It's telling that the few people she did like included Randy, who was the grouchiest man in Survivor Gabon.
Remember this quote from Bilbo Baggins about getting to know people until you like them:
Hey! For those of you on the "nice people are boring" side of the great debate, maybe it's just that the person isn't relevant to you. They're plenty friendly, but you don't think you have anything in common, or they don't have anything to offer you. It's a little ego-centric to call these friendly-but-not-yet-relevant people "boring." In the networking circles that most of us inhabit, you have something in common with just about everyone you meet.
The World's Worst Survivor Contestant (refer back to the Great Debate) probably sizes people up pretty quickly to see if they are first, like her, and second, have anything to offer her and then discards them as "uninteresting" when they don't. It's telling that the few people she did like included Randy, who was the grouchiest man in Survivor Gabon.
Remember this quote from Bilbo Baggins about getting to know people until you like them:
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
Friendliness is a Likable Trait
Continuing on the theme of "nice" vs interesting ...
(Click here to see what started all this)
Tim Sanders says the first trait of a likable person is friendliness. I think that's pretty obvious. It's hard to dislike someone who is welcoming and appears to like you. If you want to be more likable, you should work hard at liking just about everyone you meet.
The sad part is there are people out there like Corinne "Worst Survivor Ever" Kaplan who see themselves as superior to everyone. You can just see their philosophy of "I'm better than you, you're nothing, so I don't have to like you" written all over everything they do. If you have even the smallest bit of superiority complex, you better root it out now because people will sense it. You can act friendly, but if inside you're telling yourself what a jerk the other person is, they will sense it.
The big question is, how can you like people more when they are SO irritating, ha ha! One of the greatest aphorisms I ever saw was:
If you take it as a given that 99% of what people do isn't done with malice, it gets a lot easier to like them. Try a whole day with this in mind ... see how it feels.
(Click here to see what started all this)
Tim Sanders says the first trait of a likable person is friendliness. I think that's pretty obvious. It's hard to dislike someone who is welcoming and appears to like you. If you want to be more likable, you should work hard at liking just about everyone you meet.
The sad part is there are people out there like Corinne "Worst Survivor Ever" Kaplan who see themselves as superior to everyone. You can just see their philosophy of "I'm better than you, you're nothing, so I don't have to like you" written all over everything they do. If you have even the smallest bit of superiority complex, you better root it out now because people will sense it. You can act friendly, but if inside you're telling yourself what a jerk the other person is, they will sense it.
The big question is, how can you like people more when they are SO irritating, ha ha! One of the greatest aphorisms I ever saw was:
People do things that irritate you, not to irritate you.Did you deliberately do something to irritate another person today? Hm, I guarantee you someone felt annoyed at something you did.
If you take it as a given that 99% of what people do isn't done with malice, it gets a lot easier to like them. Try a whole day with this in mind ... see how it feels.
"Nice" Really Means Likable
Ron Titus is a friend from Fresno who is now down in Los Angeles. He wrote a message to his LinkedIn contacts with some thoughts about networking.
He asked "How do I set the stage for people so that they are comfortable and not threatened by spending time with me?" (This must be a rhetorical question, because Ron is very likable and not intimidating.) My answer is be nice!
If you're nice, then you're likeable. Tim Sanders, author of "The Likeability Factor" boils it down to four personality traits that make someone likeable:
He asked "How do I set the stage for people so that they are comfortable and not threatened by spending time with me?" (This must be a rhetorical question, because Ron is very likable and not intimidating.) My answer is be nice!
If you're nice, then you're likeable. Tim Sanders, author of "The Likeability Factor" boils it down to four personality traits that make someone likeable:
- friendliness
- relevance
- empathy
- realness
The argument from some people is that if you're nice, you're boring. But I say if you are likeable, then you're definitely not. Why? I'll spell it out in detail starting tomorrow.
What is a Nice Person?
Yesterday I had coffee with Chris Palmer of Vertex Legal who didn't completely disagree with Corinne "Worst Survivor Ever" Kaplan about "nice" people!
Clearly, there are some negative connotations about "nice." Some use the word to describe people who are pliant, superficial, or mealymouthed. There's a difference between being pleasant and being a "yes-person." How funny that we get upset when people don't agree with us, but call agreeable people boring.
When I use the phrase in association with networking, I mean it in the classic sense of Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends & Influence People."
Nice people are interested in other people. They take turns talking, they are interested in finding out what you have in common and they want to develop a mutually beneficial relationship. Nice people don't drop all pretense of interest when they see you're not ready to buy. They have personalities that are enjoyable to be around. Nice people can still be funny, have strong opinions, and be unique individuals.
P.S. Tomorrow, I answer an interesting question from Ron Titus that he emailed via LinkedIn.
Clearly, there are some negative connotations about "nice." Some use the word to describe people who are pliant, superficial, or mealymouthed. There's a difference between being pleasant and being a "yes-person." How funny that we get upset when people don't agree with us, but call agreeable people boring.
When I use the phrase in association with networking, I mean it in the classic sense of Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends & Influence People."
Nice people are interested in other people. They take turns talking, they are interested in finding out what you have in common and they want to develop a mutually beneficial relationship. Nice people don't drop all pretense of interest when they see you're not ready to buy. They have personalities that are enjoyable to be around. Nice people can still be funny, have strong opinions, and be unique individuals.
P.S. Tomorrow, I answer an interesting question from Ron Titus that he emailed via LinkedIn.
What Makes Her a Really Bad Networker?
Corinne Kaplan of Survivor Gabon must be the worst networker in the world. Why? Here's a direct quote from her during the final episode: "Nice people aren't interesting." There are so many things wrong with this philosophy, beginning with the implied corollary: "Nasty people are interesting." They are ... for about 5 minutes and only if it's directed at someone else.
Mature adults who want to grow their relationships and their networks will avoid people like this. You cannot develop a long-term mutually beneficial relationship with someone who deliberately works at not being cooperative, helpful, or encouraging (that's what nice people do).
Dale Carnegie probably spit out his coffee when he heard her say that. In "How to Win Friends and Influence People" he quotes Alfred Adler, co-founder of psychoanalytics:
Mature adults who want to grow their relationships and their networks will avoid people like this. You cannot develop a long-term mutually beneficial relationship with someone who deliberately works at not being cooperative, helpful, or encouraging (that's what nice people do).
Dale Carnegie probably spit out his coffee when he heard her say that. In "How to Win Friends and Influence People" he quotes Alfred Adler, co-founder of psychoanalytics:
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.It's a good thing Corinne is pretty (for now), because that and an utter focus on bottom line results (she's a drug sales rep) is likely the only reason for her success. It won't endure and all the "boring" nice people who've worked hard to build a network of other nice people will outlast, outwit, and outplay this nasty networker.
Food as the Best Bribe
Just having come back from a family birthday party where there was more to eat than anyone needed, I wonder why we need food as a bribe to go to networking events? Really, like we all need more to eat. Especially this time of year.
I guess an anthropologist would tell us it has something to do with hunting and gathering. Or maybe food-sharing as a bonding tool. Whatever it is, maybe having delicious, interesting, or varying foods makes the people around us seem more interesting by association.
Seems like most human celebrations include food. So who am I to fight evolution? Food as bribery to increase attendance at events it is!
I guess an anthropologist would tell us it has something to do with hunting and gathering. Or maybe food-sharing as a bonding tool. Whatever it is, maybe having delicious, interesting, or varying foods makes the people around us seem more interesting by association.
Seems like most human celebrations include food. So who am I to fight evolution? Food as bribery to increase attendance at events it is!
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